Struggles

For those of you that don't know, I was diagnosed with Bipolar II (a more mild form of bipolar) in the summer of 2011. I have been able to cope with it without the use of medication. Mostly because the medications are unsafe during pregnancy and breastfeeding. Everyday is a struggle though. I don't know if I am going to be manic or depressed. I can't remember a day where I was neither. Today was especially hard. My body hit a depressed day, and I'm guessing it's from the die down of all the festivities of the holidays. When this happens- like today- I get in a daze and completely exhausted. No sleep is enough sleep. I am not myself during the depressed days. I feel like its harder to be a mom. I have low patience and I feel so drained of energy. I feel so guilty when I can't give 110% to Lilah. On manic days, I need very little sleep and I always want to do things with her. On those days, it seems very easy to be a mom and a wife. Its just getting through the depressed days or weeks. Luckily, today, Zach was home and was able to help out so much! I really am truly blessed to have such an amazing husband and father of my child!

Dear Lilah: Ten Months

Dear Sweet Lilah,
This past month, you have really made your presence known! You enjoy talking/screaming/yelling very loudly to anyone that will listen, or just to yourself... You have no volume control at all. I am hoping you will outgrow this phase :) You started singing along to music by trying to match pitch and "sing the words". Its crazy to watch you try and figure it out. You continue to dance and bounce to music! You are a pro crawler now and decided that you would rather crawl than try and walk... although you can walk! You have walked about 4 ft all by yourself! You wave bye-bye! You get so excited to tell people bye! You had Roseola this past month- lasted about a week and it was not fun! You got your 3rd tooth (top left) on Saturday the 21st! This round of teething has been a bout of torture for you. The good thing that has come out of the teething and Roseola is you now will cuddle sometimes when you nap! I absolutely love the snuggles!! You started scrunching up your nose when you laugh or get upset- its adorable! Daddy and I are working on trying to get you sleeping through night... eventually it will happen!
Christmas is here (mommy is late posting this month's letter) and we are so excited to experience this with you! You love wrapping paper and ribbon so far! Hopefully you like the actual gifts and not just the boxes- Christmas will have to be another post. Its getting very late! We love you so very much! And we love watching your personality blossom! You are such an incredible little girl, I am so blessed to be your mommy!

Love you always,
Mommy

One day at a time.

As I sit here, holding my sleeping child, I start to get frustrated and question my parenting. Should I have let her cry in her crib? Why isn't the Tylenol working? I need to eat lunch and clean the bathroom!! And then I get mad at myself. This day is only going to happen today. My baby is almost a toddler and I won't get a ton of opportunities to just hold her while she sleeps. So what if the bathroom doesn't get cleaned today... Today, Lilah just needs her mommy to hold her so she can nap. It's 1:45p and she has only cat napped for about 15mins since she got up today. It's been a long, miserable day for my little teething punky, but I'm trying to enjoy this day.

I'm so blessed to be at home with her while she's a baby. Being a stay at home mom is very hard work. It's exhausting and so rewarding. It's a 24 hr job, 7 days a week. Breastfeeding is wonderful (now) but it's also a job- and it's still an around the clock job. I've just accepted that I may not sleep a whole night through until she's over a year. And I'm ok with that. I honestly think I am going to miss the 4a feeding. If you know me, you know that I love my sleep. I will sleep 12-14hrs a night if I can. There is just something kind of magical about early morning snuggles in the dark with my baby girl. Just me and her. I look at her and I can't believe how blessed I am to be her mom. I pray for her and our little family while I look down at her sweet, innocent, little face. I try to imagine what the future holds for her... I wish I could take away all of the heartbreak she will encounter and the pain she will feel. I hope that she grows up to be a loving, caring, compassionate, smart, loyal, and genuine woman. And I hope that I can instill some of those characteristics into her. 

Being a parent is such an incredible thing- it can be scary and overwhelming but it's worth every grey hair she may give us.